Saturday, October 3, 2009

Upset & Balancing

Right now, I'm trying to go to sleep. My feet and back are aching from today...and I gotta do it again tomorrow. The dumb neighbor is drumming some stupid beat on his floor/my ceiling, and I can't stop fixating on it... I feel so maxed-out and spent, and now, add annoyed.

I'm lying awake, dwelling on how I feel right now, after recovering from mandatory sobs, or sanglots (in French). 2nd day of ACL...I didn't go today since I felt miserable, and also because I honestly think H can't have his idea of "fun" with me around. That makes me sick. There's a lot more to that which is hurting me really badly right now...but enough for the blog.

Over the past few years, when considering close relationships (friends, serious bfs, family), I have a really hard time of balancing wanting to give and knowing when to take, in order to maintain self-preservation. You know, the warranted selfishness coupon, say, once a month?

I've felt marginally to severely burned many times--much like right now--when I give something important of myself to someone else to make them feel better or to give them joy....and then I get left feeling alone/insignificant/used/burned/take-your-pick.

I don't feel like it's for an immediate gain...maybe later karma. "Doing the right thing."

But shouldn't doing the right thing feel terrific? Transformative, even? It takes a bold person to sacrifice and stuff.

Doesn't it suck when I'm vague and leave out all the juicy details?

So, in order to combat this, I just want to spoil myself rotten, buy myself a new shirt at A, for example...

But then I realize:

I'm still broke.

Advice for my poor self?


Katherine said...

Aberdeen! Hi! I love that I found your blog! Um, in all seriousness, I have been struggling with many of the same things lately. Moving is so difficult, even when you have someone you love beside you. I try to be optimistic, but it so hard sometimes. And you seem like you have a lot of confidence, which I envy. I find that I have to do little things for myself, but I worry about being selfish. I feel like I inherently am. I'm starting to ramble and get all self-centered again. You are fantastic and talented. I know things will work out for you. They probably are already aligning, yes?

Take care,