Right now, I'm trying to go to sleep. My feet and back are aching from today...and I gotta do it again tomorrow. The dumb neighbor is drumming some stupid beat on his floor/my ceiling, and I can't stop fixating on it... I feel so maxed-out and spent, and now, add annoyed.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I'm lying awake, dwelling on how I feel right now, after recovering from mandatory sobs, or sanglots (in French). 2nd day of ACL...I didn't go today since I felt miserable, and also because I honestly think H can't have his idea of "fun" with me around. That makes me sick. There's a lot more to that which is hurting me really badly right now...but enough for the blog.
Over the past few years, when considering close relationships (friends, serious bfs, family), I have a really hard time of balancing wanting to give and knowing when to take, in order to maintain self-preservation. You know, the warranted selfishness coupon, say, once a month?
I've felt marginally to severely burned many times--much like right now--when I give something important of myself to someone else to make them feel better or to give them joy....and then I get left feeling alone/insignificant/used/burned/take-your-pick.
I don't feel like it's for an immediate gain...maybe later karma. "Doing the right thing."
But shouldn't doing the right thing feel terrific? Transformative, even? It takes a bold person to sacrifice and stuff.
Doesn't it suck when I'm vague and leave out all the juicy details?
So, in order to combat this, I just want to spoil myself rotten, buy myself a new shirt at A, for example...
But then I realize:
I'm still broke.
Advice for my poor self?
Posted by Aberdeen at 9:08 PM